Cynical Rants about Cats
by Cynical-Britton
Summary: Join me, a cynical British sod, as I poke fun at characters and other things in the Warriors world and slightly amuse you along the way. Also I'm taking requests too.
1. Ashfur

**Hey**

 **I'm taking requests just so you know e.g. pairings, characters, whatever you want as long as related to warriors. Now** **with that out of the way.**

 **Lets get on with the rants, shall we?**

* * *

 _Ashfur_

Ah Ashfur.

Aside from having a name that reminds me of two hairy smokers bumping uglies and questionable methods on dealing with break ups. I'm actually fond of him.

"but how can you like Ashfur?" I hear some of you ask, "He tried to kill innocent cats!" and my only response is because everyone else hates him, that's it, everyone whined about Ashfur to the point where I liked him because there's only so many times you can bend someone one way before they snap back the other way.

now that my praise is over with...

Ashfur is a whiny twat, if you want info on why he's a whiny twat, read any book containing these names on the same page: Ashfur, Squirrelfight, and Brambleclaw. I mean seriously, he needs to get a grip. Several attempted murders over a relationship that wasn't actually happening, I don't know about you but that's the kind of reaction I'd expect from a sociopath or someone whose favourite football team just lost the European Cup.

And then there's the infamous fire scene, the turning point for Firestar's family, metaphorical as fuck, and an asspull of a plot twist, or as I call it the X-isn't-actually-Y's-parents-it's-really-Z plot twist. I saw this coming a mile away, seriously, this didn't set off any alarm bells in Brambleclaw's head when his own kids don't even _look like him?_ Is everyone really that thick in the Warriors universe?

 **AND NOW, A MID-RANT RANT:**

I mean it's a fucking joke. His kids look _nothing_ like him and he doesn't even _notice?_ Anyone with two brain cells to rub together knows that kids always look like their parents, seriously, it's fucking phenomenal how some characters become absolute morons when the plot calls for it.

Un-fucking-believable.

 **MID-RANT RANT CONCLUDED, THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME.**

Now where was I? Oh yeah...

So what does decide to do with this newly required information? Tell everyone at a gathering of course! Like somehow the other clans would give a toss. And as Ashfur sat there and rubbed his ashy little paws in glee because he's actually about to do something worthwhile. He gets killed.

Just like that? No grand reveal? No banter about it at the gathering?

Well that was a massive waste of time and energy.


	2. Graystripe x Millie

_Graystripe x Millie_

Okay this couple comes under fire a lot because Millie "replaced" Silverstream like it's fucking taboo to have more than one relationship or an extra litter of devil spawn. But I've never actually _read_ the official description of Millie and I've only heard she looks exactly like Silverstream so maybe that's why people are pissed and I'm in the wrong.

Speaking of Millie, a lot of people hate her for being a shitty parent. I personally don't think it's that bad. Granted, Millie neglected her other two hell spawn after the third one became a cripple and started fearing that the air particles around Briarlight would shout "allah ackbar" at any moment. So I don't blame anyone for thinking Millie's a bad parent.

And now onto the relationship:

At the start, everything seemed to be going well: They had a stable relationship and a roof over their heads.

And then the kits happened.

If you ask me where I thought Graystripe and Millie's relationship went wrong, I would say the kits because it's a trope of the Warriors series that happy couples end badly, like sticking a fork into a plug socket.

Speaking of which. Is it just me, or do bad things happen every time Graystripe puts his external hard drive in someone's USB port? The first time around it was complications during birth and now we get a cuck, miss mummy issues, and a cripple. Blimey, that went downhill faster than a homeless man chasing a runaway sausage roll from Greggs for only 85p.

After Millie became Briarlights personal security system, Graystripe told them he was off to Tesco to get some milk and never came back. Seriously, we can have Millie hate circle jerks but no one talks about Graystripe. He wasn't as bad, mind you, but he did neglect his devil spawn and I don't blame him. I'd rather cover my head in tinfoil and stick it in a microwave than raise Bumblestripe and Blossomfall, because Brairlight's alright and the other two can walk into Celtic Park wearing a Rangers strip for all I care.

In conclusion: Millie should have swallowed.


	3. Firestar

**Blimey it's been a while hasn't it? Sorry for the inactivity I've been busy with school and Halo 5: Guardians**

 **So I'm back on schedule now so please stop giving me that dirty look Halo multiplayer is addictive.**

 **So lets get onto it**

* * *

 _Firestar_

Ohh, it's this bugger.

Firestar is _the_ Mary Sue-or Gary Stu if you prefer-of the Warriors world, not a Mary Sue like the rest of his sad, sad, disfunctional family, he's _the_ Mary Sue. If Mary Sues traveled in packs he'd be the alpha male. Why? Because he never does anything wrong, the other clans are always starting shit with him, but when Thunderclan starts shit he doesn't know until Shadowclan's halfway up his arse.

But let's start at the beginning, shall we? Firestars apprenticeship was the same as my sex life: quick and disappointing, but luckily Spottedleaf didn't try to lure me into a white van with promises of sweets and learning how to eat clams blindfolded.

And then we have his warriorhood which was as fun to read about as drenching yourself in gasoline then lighting yourself on fire at a gas station. Hell I can't remember what happened during that other than he automatically gained the respect of everyone, became deputy, and took up a career in pussy sailing, and I'm positive this all happened on the same day.

Then he became Thunderclans leader after Bluestar decided she was going to take the dog for a swim, and that was the worst fucking decision that anyone could have. made. Thankfully his run as leader was uneventful until his degenerate spawn decided to have her own litter of devil spawn, then he became a side character and thank fuck for that. You see, there's only so many books with the same protagonist people can read before they say "bollocks to this! I'm going to watch Corronation Street" so having Hollyleaf, Jayfeather, and Lionblaze as protagonists was needed change. Granted it was like trading Firestar for three Firestars.

Speaking of which, after Warriors had a shift in protagonists I thought Firestar would fade into obscurity and have a few lines of dialogue every once in a while, but the universe decided it was going to be a dick and surprise, surprise, he's still fucking there! Then he had the nerve to refuse to kick the bucket, honestly by the time The Last Hope was released I was whispering "why won't Firestar fucking die already!?" to myself. I got my wish and he finally bit the dust... by having a tree fall on him.

Are you having a laugh Erins? 4 series and 16 books of build up to a grand finale of a fight between Firestar and Tigerstar. An epic, bloody battle that would shake the Warriors series to the core. Only to have Tigerstar killed instantly and have a tree kill Firestar? It's a cruel joke.

It's things like this that make me wish Firestar was never born. But then again his parents could use more protection than an American airport and enough pills to get Glasgows junkie population absolutely hammered and the sly bastard would still end up in the womb.


	4. Tigerstar

_Tigerstar_

Alright, it's the second edgiest cunt in Warriors.

Tigerstar is a combination of Skeletor and Hilter: he wants to rule the forest and kill all cats with half-clan blood, so about four cats, six if Squirrelfight and Leafpool were born during his run as führer of Shadowclan. I don't know how he fucked that up unless he had a very long tea break or he was too busy building that poundstrechers-tier edgy bone throne of his, lazy cunt. If your going to be a genocidal dictator at least put some effort into it! Look, you're making Hitler cry!

But before all that happened, he was the sketchy bloke trying to sell kids heroin needles and bottles of buckfast he found in the bad part of Glasgow. Then when it was found out he was the source of Thunderclans problems, he didn't hesitate to fuck right off to Shadow "our-past-leader-had-a-thing-for-two-month-old-kits" clan. Then something happened and now he's leader of Shadowclan. I guess Shadowclans leader selection process involves a game of musical chairs and it fucks up every time. You know with the amount of dictators Shadowclan has had I'm surprised there's never been a revolt or two or something other than them sitting with their thumbs up their collective arses.

Then Tigerstar convinced Leopardstar to join in an alliance to form the Axis-Powers and we all know how that went: she probably gave him crabs, then said she left the oven on and never came back. Maybe that's why he's so pissed all the time. Then he decided to ask Bloodclan-a clan so edgy you could accidentally amputate your hand-for help. Oi, Tigerstar what happened to kittypets being a bunch of pussies? You're so evil you can't even uphold your own morals you diabolical bastard you.

Then a edgy midget kills him. Tigerstar, you fucking what mate?

But like everyone else in the Warriors series, Tigerstar doesn't understand when you're dead, you stay fucking dead, so he hangs around for awhile and then decides to assemble an army to take over the forest because that went over brilliantly the first time, after recruiting a grand total of three cats, the bloody wanker fucked off and hardly trained anyone because he was too busy writing Mein Kampf for cats.

* * *

 **'Ello there, I'm think of doing a running commentary of Starkits Prophecy, so let me know if you think I should do it. It'll be quality banter, we'll have a laugh, and the first round's on me.**

 **So what do you say?**


	5. Lionblaze

_Lionblaze_

It's Firestar 2.0 complete with shitty relationships, always doing the right thing, and paper-pate-with-a-smiley-face personality.

Lionblaze is one of the blandest characters to read about aside from Firestar, I can hardly remember anything Lionblaze did other than get pissy because Windclan found the tunnels where he keeps his porn and having edgy dreams about killing Heathertail, yeah because that makes sense, have a whiny twat have dreams about mercilessly slaughtering his girlfriend, because that's how relationships work, isn't it Erins?

Speaking of getting pissy, Lionblaze must be constantly on his period 'cause one moment he's pissed that you didn't bring him anything from the Tesco and before you know it he's eating a tub of ice cream and crying. It's characters like Lionblaze that make me think the Erins stopped giving a fuck after the second series, like they ran out of ideas and said "fuck it, let's redo the first series but replace Firestar with three whiny Firestars" because that's what we want, one character copied three times, given a new coat of paint and parental issues.

Then there's his "powers", the Erins way of trying to be hip with the kids and they fucked that up harder than using toothpaste as lubricant. Seriously, if you're going to have a gimmick at least do it right, being unbeatable isn't a power, it's fucking lazy. If I wanted to read about invincible characters I'd ask a five year old to write me a superhero story.

Granted, all of the threes powers are shit. Jayfeather can walk into peoples dreams but what happens when he walks into a wet dream? Some people are into really freaky shit, like triple-fisting. Dovewing is like the US government: she hears everything, yes even the orgy full of old people down the road, and Lionblaze is... Lionblaze.

But the thing that surprised me the most was that Lionblaze and Cinderheart had kits, even after that whole "we can never be because your destiny is greater than mine, Lionblaze" bollocks. It's like Romeo and Juliet, minus the suicide so the rest of us can experience prolonged torment by reading about their relationship. To experience it at its best, I recommend drinking hydrochloric acid.

But I do feel bad for Cinderheart though, I mean how much Whiskey do you need to drink to convince yourself to fuck _that_? Well, probably enough to give every Scotsman in existence the worst hangover since the Independence Referendum.


	6. Dovewing

_Dovewing_

I'm very disappointed in the bloke who created Dovewing.

Dovewing does exactly what it says on the tin: fucking whiny twat, and I'd be lying if I said if she does it better than getting into badly written love triangles. At this point she whines more than her sister did during her "waahh-no-one's-paying-attention-to-me!" phase, seriously, she whined about: cats doing better in training, having to listen to Lionblaze, having powers, and having more than one guy trying to get in her pants.

Speaking of her powers, they're complete shit. Like I said in my Lionblaze rant they're the Erin's way of trying to be hip with the kids and it landed flat on its face like a College graduate coming out of a pub on a Saturday night, but Dovewing's are the _worst_ , fucking super hearing? What wanker in the right bloody mind thinks super hearing is a good super power? It's like the Erins took a list of Supermans powers, put them on a dartboard, and whatever the darts landed on were the three's powers. Oi Erins! The next time you try something like this fucking do it right, give the poor sod laser eyes or something good, because no one should be able to hear the orgy happening in a dingy alley in India.

Then there's her relationships, well if you can call swapping spit with Shadowclan's Jimmy Saville and a spineless cuck who doesn't understand why Dovewing goes away for awhile and comes back a little weak in the knees relationships, and then she has the nerve to complain that they both love her. Maybe if Dovewing kept her legs shut then she wouldn't have the problem to begin with and I say all of this while I have her as a love interest for a character in one of my older fanfics. Well... I never said I wasn't a hypocrite, and bloody hell I should really bring that fanfic back from the dead.

When Dovewing dies, elders will tell kits that if you go to Dovewing's resting place, underneath a large oak tree, the largest oak tree in Thunderclan's territory, overlooking a small, winding, river that looks the most beautiful viewed at dawn, that if you listen closely... you can hear Dovewing _still fucking whining._


	7. Starkit's Prophecy

**Hello there, as you've probably noticed this rant isn't on a cat, but instead a fanfic and that's because I'm taking a little tea break from doing characters. Besides I'm thinking of doing a running commentary on Starkit's Prophecy, so let me know if you want to see me do it.**

 **But let's get on with it**

* * *

 _Starkit's Prophecy_

On the first day of Christmas Fanfiction gave to me, a completely shitty story.

Starkit's Prophecy is it's own type of fanfiction, filled with shitty grammar, pedophilia, incest, and generally shitty writing that even a primary 1 student can top it. I think I cringed so hard I dislocated and possibly shattered my shoulders, if you can make it through the entire fanfic without cringing or giggling like a Japanese schoolgirl, I will personally come over to your house, take you to a nice pub, and by you a pint.

If you want a summary, here's one: Starkit's mother is a dairy product Jayfeather fucked, Graystripe decides he wants some of that underaged puss puss before Firestar reveals he's a redneck and wants some too, Ashfur and Hawkfrost reach for the sausage platter, Starkit comes back from the dead unfortunately, Starkit's a Christian, and other weird shit happens. Long story short, Starkit's prophecy is like British politics: confusing as all fuck and whatever happens doesn't matter because in the end I'm still getting fucked over.

Starkit's Prophecy must be going through an existential crisis, because one minute it's a love story, then it's action, then it's spiritual, you get the point. Then it acts like that one arsehole who thinks random means funny and for no reason shoe horns in the word "kawaii" which increases the cringe factor by a solid ten, thank fuck Starkit never ran around shouting "lol waffles XD" because then I would have a _real_ problem.

Then the author turns the fic into one of those posts on Facebook-you know, the "like for Jesus/ingnore for Satan" ones?-by making a poorly drawn connection by saying Starkit's connected to heaven therefor everyone who criticised Starkit was a satanist. Look, if you're going to call people a bunch of dicks, don't sugarcoat it.

In conclusion, Starkit's Prophecy is like You've Been Framed!: Sometimes cringy, sometimes funny, but all round it's full of shit.


	8. Onestar

_Onestar_

If you're a dick head and you know it clap your hands.

Onestar reminds me of content creators on YouTube: it's all sunshine and rainbows in the beginning until he realised just how many people will cover themselves in meat and jump into a piranha tank without hesitation for him, and then became a bigger dick than the wanker that takes 3 parking spaces for their oversized fidge on wheels.

If you don't know how Onestar became leader, it was similar to how World War Two ended, "we finally beat the nazis, now we can all go home and-hey, why is Russia annexing half of Germany?", in other words. The Eirns wanted to remind the readers that the other clans weren't cardboard boxes with their names written in crayon on them by having an arse-pull of a twist by having a Onestar being leader instead of Mudclaw, who in my opinion, should have been leader because no one can fuck up harder than Onestar did.

After becoming leader, Onestar must have injected liquid testosterone into his veins with syringes he found in the poor part of Detroit because he became so fucking pissed at everything, like the fact other people simply exist fills him with a endless rage, maybe someone stole his teddy bear growing up or some other bollocks.

For whatever reason, he has a hate-boner for Thunderclan, he could by a pack of cookies, bite into them and realise they're actually oatmeal and raisin, not chocolate chip, and it still be fucking Thunderclan's fault. For fuck's sake Onestar if you're going to shag Thunderclan fucking do it already!

Other than trying to be a dominant leader and blaming Thunderclan for everything, he didn't really do much, which makes him one of the harder characters for me to talk about because I can't remember anything notable Onestar and when you do fuck all, people can only complain about you doing fuck all, and now I feel like shit for not actually knowing what to say. You win this round, Erins.

So here, have a shitty joke:

What would Onestar be called if he was Mexican?

Juanstar.


	9. Daylight Warriors

_Daylight Warriors_

A lot of people wanted me to do this.

Is it just me, or does everyone go into a full on lynch-mode at the thought of daylight warriors? If you don't know what daylight warriors are, they're usually kittypets that treat being a warrior like a part-time job and are only in Skyclan, the fifth and definitely-not-a-fan-made-clan, because if someone tried to pull this shit with the other clans, they'de be found by a river bank the next day.

If you ask me, daylight warriors seem like the kind of wankers that'll say they're 'not really part of the clan' when it suits them, because why defend the thing you agreed to protect, when you can point to the piece of leather around your neck with the terminator's balls hanging from it like a trophy when you don't want to.

Aside from that, Skyclan and daylight warriors seems like the Erins way of saying "see? Not _all_ of the clans hate kittypets," to which I reply "Erins, we already have Thunderclan for that." speaking of which, no wonder Skyclan pulls this shit when Firestar founded/re-established it which like having Barney the Dinosaur arm the U.S military.

A lot of people hate daylight warriors because the idea of them goes against the warriors code, even though the code is basically just for show at this point. But like giving Greece more euros, daylight warriors are a bad idea, because it's all fun and games until Skyclan has a food shortage, or half half of their warriors decide to fucking bail when they get board of playing pretend.

What made Skyclan wake up one day and say "you know what? We don't have any battle experience, so why don't we recruit cats who also have no battle experience? That way, we can all be slaughtered mercilessly together!" because we have a word for this kind of decision making, and it's called assembling the French Army during World War 2.


	10. Scourge

_Scourge_

Truly, if he was any edgier he'd be Shadow the Edgehog.

I have no clue to why so many people like Scourge. In my opinion, he's pretty boring and as far as villains go he's like the 12 year-old on call of duty who fucked your mum. Seriously, when he's first introduced as a mysterious cat who leads blood-our-leader-is-a-twelve-year-old-clan and I guess the Erins thought the cardboard box with a frowny face and "I'm evil" written on it deserved a book/comic/they knew the only people who like scourge are twelve.

So Rise of Scourge of published, and like my sex life, it was bloody underwhelming.

It could have been so much more than the steaming pile of shit it was. It could have been about him being a cunt growing up before getting his shit kicked in and then becoming leader of bloodclan. But it fucks that up and instead makes him a whiny little shit with back story that really makes me wish they left him as mysterious. Really Erins? Shit powers now shit back stories? The only good thing to come from this was the facial expressions, some bloke was paid and spent hours just to make a character make this facial expression:(ಠ ͜ʖಠ). I'm not even having a laugh

At one point after becoming leader of Bloodclan, we find out how edgy Scourge has become when his siblings, who teased him growing up, meet him after he got bent over by a yonger Tigerstar, and fuck me because I can't take it seriously. Scourge tells them to fuck off, they say "oi, bruv, we're family so be a legend and help us", and then the tiny emo midget gives a speech about blood being everything.

Linkin Park called, they want their edge back.

Then we fast forward a bit to when the emo midget kills cat hitler, and then he's killed anticlimactically. Was there even a fucking point to having Scourge? In the grand scheme of things he did fuck all and was just there. They might as well have had Tigerstar die of stroke because at least strokes don't sing 'crawling in my skin' and tell me how much they hate everything.


	11. Spottedleaf

_Spottedleaf_

Because paper plates with smiley faces can be pedophiles too.

Now for the most part, I'm fine with Spottedleaf. She plays the sweet nurse character without a personality who Firepaw falls in love with instantly at the start of the Warriors series, which is fine. Until it turns out it's not a case of puppy love, but it's bloody pedophilia which the Erins try to make out as a tragic relationship that (thankfully) can never be.

Seriously, I'll never see what's so great about Fire x Spotted. Two paper plates with smiley faces and terribly drawn love hearts for eyes is about as romantic as taking your date to a cardboard box factory for a romantic cardboard box inspection.

Thankfully, it never really escalates to the point where someone needs to give Firepaw/heart/star a doll and ask where Spottedcougar touched him, mostly because Clawface killed her and thank fuck for that because we can finally smother the shitty romance that moves so slow it might as well be going back in time. Clawface, you may be in the Dark-forest, but you'll always belong in Starclan in my heart. So tragic.

But because in the Warriors world no one understands when your dead, you stay fucking dead. Spottedleaf decided to attempt to wank Firestar off in his dreams despite him moving on, having a family with someone in his age group, and actually realising that he wasn't getting lessons to eat clams blindfolded from Spottedleaf. But because they 'loved' each other at one point, it's perfectly acceptable.

Then the Dark-forest raids happens and then Spottedleaf finally dies. Or not because like Cinderpelt, she's a writer's pet so we'll just get some bullshit about how a tiny bit of her souls survived and she gets reincarnated. Because the Warriors series is long overdue it's next questionable romantic relationship.


	12. Appledusk

_Appledusk_

Everyone really wants to lynch this guy.

The thing Appledusk is only really known for is that he stuck his dick in crazy, specifically Mapleshade's crazy, and everyone wants to keep his reproductive organs as trophies because he said 'fuck off' to Mapleshade.

This is almost exactly like the whole 'Millie is a bad mother but Graystripe didn't do anything' type of bollocks. In my opinion, Appledusk had every right to tell Mapleshade to fuck off because, after all, she decided it was a good idea to cross a river with fucking kits and then decided to blame him for their deaths, because that somehow adds up.

Granted, you can argue that someone shoved a stick up his arse before the whole 'my kids just died' thing and that he could have kept his mouth shut.

Then he moved on and settled down with someone who wasn't completely fucking mental and actually had a stable relationship and family, but apparently that's not allowed because it's just as bad as mass genocide or something.

And that was one of the worst decisions of his life because then the crazy ex decides that his bloodline would rue the day Appledusk decided unprotected sex was a good idea.

But little did Mapleshade know that an apple a day keeps your bloody deranged ex away if you throw them hard enough.

* * *

 **I'm sorry this isn't up to scratch with other rants, I've got a fever as of now and I feel like shit.**


	13. Warrior Code

_Warrior Code_

Remember when cats actually got punished for breaking the rules?

If you somehow don't know what the warrior code is it's laws for the Clans, there's sixteen of these laws and it's safe to say no one even gives a flying fuck about it anymore.

At the start of the series, it was taken seriously by the clans and punished those who broke it, like when Firepaw helped an old lady cross the street and was forced to be her personal maid. That's what he gets for not pushing her in front of a bus, the fucking ginger prick.

Then Firestar became leader and everything went to shit like everything else involving the bell end. Honestly, it was like every five minutes someone broke the fucking code and no cared because they were too busy complaining about the immigration problem in Thunderclan.

What really pisses me off is how the punishment never fits the bloody crime. Leafpool fucked off with Crowfeather and got pregnant, the equivalent of going to Germany, getting a megaphone, and reading the entirety of Mein Kampf in the Warriors world, and all that happens to her is a change in rank.

Your fucking joking. That's _hardly_ a punishment considering Mapleshade had kits with a Riverclan cat and got exiled for it, but Leafpool breaks two rules at once and she deserted Thunderclan (which I'm surprised isn't against the code) and virtually fuck all is done about it.

Is there even a point in having a code anymore? It's just for show at this point because apparently you can do whatever the fuck you want and get away with it.

Aside from a piece of shit justice system. The code says 'reject the soft life of a kittypet' which is fair enough, you were born in a clan, fucking act like it. But apparently 'reject the life' is warrior cat for 'everyone who isn't us should be burned at the stake'

I'm not really surprised that the Clans think like that, after all, Firestar was a kittypet and everything fucked up when he joined.

* * *

 **'Ello, I'm thinking about doing a fanfiction guide, so let me know if you want to see that.**

 **P.S. I recently released the first part of a two-shot called 'The Abyss' so go check that out if you're interested.**


	14. Lynch-mode

_Lynch-mode._

Ah, this community is fucking awful for this.

Lynch-mode is really just a word I use to describe people/mindset in the Warriors community who fucking hate a character for no reason, or if they do have a reason, it's usually fucking stupid.

A lot of this seems to revolve around relationships for some reason. A good example of this is the hate circle-jerk for Millie because she 'stole' Graystripe from Silverstream usually followed by some shit about Gray x Silver being forever, even though it ended pretty fucking quickly.

I like to think that the people who are like this are the younger ones, usually the 12 year olds, because it helps me sleep at night knowing it's the squeakers doing all the dumb shit but if in the case it's not, then for fuck sake, get a hobby or something, you're complaining about the relationship between two fictional characters who aren't even human.

Granted, you can hate whatever character you want and tell people you hate them, just don't hold a seminar about how everyone should hate them, complete with a presentation and leaflets.

Sometimes the reasons are slightly justified by the most minimal of margins, but blown out of proportion, like the 'vaccines cause autism' thing. Take Millie for example, who's hated for not having a warrior name, worrying about her daughter's wellbeing, and for looking like a character we don't know much about other than she's Crookedstar's daughter and Graystripe's (dead) mate.

By that logic we should get our pitchforks ready because Mousefur and Briarlight have the same eyes and fur. If you don't have a pitchfork, don't worry, I have extras.

Other characters also get shit flung at them like they walked into the monkey inclosure at a zoo. Usually also for the dumbest reasons also, a lot of the time it's a relationship circle-jerk in case it wasn't obvious that almost every character hated either 'stole' someone for someone else

Now I could defend these characters, but my white knight armour's in the washing and you came here to hear me complain about things, not say why we should give everyone a kiss and a hug.


	15. Crowfeather

_Crowfeather_

I don't know about you lot, but I think this lad deserves a father of the year award.

Crowfeather is a dick. He was born a dick, he was a dick through puberty, he was a dick when he got a mate thrice and will forever be a dick, but I'd be lying if I said he didn't have more game than Steam. Three mates, fucking hell if having two mates is taboo then three's the equivalent to burning down a hospital and roasting marshmallows while doing it.

Outside of mates and Breezepelt, I'm pretty much neutral towards Crowfeather. He hasn't really done anything to make me do a spit-take with tea and crumpets but he hasn't done anything to make me like him. But concerning mates, I swear to fuck if I see another two canon characters who are mates from different clans I'm going to throw bricks at a fucking retirement home.

It started off fine with Feathertail even if it was a little questionable age wise. It was short lived as far as I'm concerned and my interest for the pair of love birds dropped eventually and Feathertail's death only made me want to slap the fuck out of Crowfeather. Grieving is fair enough and asking to be named in honour of her was a noble gesture, but for fuck's sake stop being so mopey about it and suck it up.

fun fact: apparently Crowfeather would most likely choose Feathertail over his other mates in Starclan because "first love always wins" which both makes me cringe and want to gouge my eyes out with a rusty egg beater.

Next was Leafpool who had as much chemistry as a fucking mushroom. Seriously, only a few lines of dialogue and they already want to take each other to pound town. Then there was a corny run-away moment that actually ended with a trip to pound town and some annoying devil spawn which he rejected having, I don't blame him though, if Lionblaze was my son I'd disown him too.

And the current one's Nightcloud. I've never actually felt sympathetic for her or Breezeplet, mostly because is daddy issues personified and Nightcloud seems like the kind of person you make eye contact with on the bus and then your face is plastered all over her bedroom. I've always felt that Crowfeather and Nightcloud's relationship was very symbiotic; it was a shitty relationship that benefited them both, Nightcloud got her devil spawn and Crowfeather somehow proved he was loyal by putting his crow in her nest.

All I'm waiting for now is for him to stick his dick in Shadowclan so we can have more bloody daddy issues.

* * *

 **So I guess I should explain that past three weeks of minimal activity.**

 **Well a lot's been going on in real life for me. Exams were coming up so I took time off to study because I don't want to work on a building site being miserable with the only thing stopping me from becoming British weather's bitch is a hoodie. My birthday happened and so did Dark Souls 3, friends coming over and other stuff. But hopefully that's us back on track.**


	16. Hollyleaf

_Hollyleaf_

I'm actually getting to talk about my favourite character, but I'm still going to poke fun at her because you're here to hear me complain.

I'm going to honest and say I really like Hollyleaf. She's my favourite character throughout the series mostly because she's one of the few characters I can actually stand in the series, but that won't stop me ripping the piss out of her.

I'm convinced Hollyleaf wants to have the warrior code's babies because she never fucking stopped talking about it, at all, and then realised that nobody gives a toss about the code and began to stop caring as much after the writer's pet told her it's only around to make them look good. Which I'm thankful for because it was borderlining on whiny bitch territory.

Then it turned out she's a half-blood peasant and isn't one of the three it hits her like a bloody freight train, and just like mummy, she tries to bury the thing that could ruin her. Although she handles it differently from Leafpool, who forked them off to someone else just so the word 'skank' wouldn't be used to describe her. Hollyleaf goes full on men in black and shuts that shit down... only to tell everyone anyway.

You having a laugh? All of that just so _she_ tell everyone? That's not how it works, if you're willing to kill someone to make sure something doesn't get out you don't get out a megaphone and tell everyone. Fucking hell, Hollyleaf for worst government 2016.

Then she tries to put Leafpool six feet under by trying to force her to commit suicide. At this point I was wondering if this was still Warriors or Saw with cats. Anyways, Jayfeath finds out and Hollyleaf said "blimey, I'm fucking dead if I stay here!" and fucks off underground and becomes a necrophile. Now there's several couples in Warriors that are questionable, this one takes the cake for "I'm shagging something that isn't even solid and is old enough to be my great great great great great grandad".

Anyways, she goes back to Thunderclan, Cardboardpersonalityblaze thinks she's the fourth because she's loyal and skilled so I guess the Erins aren't the only ones who don't know what a good superpower is, and Hollyleaf gets fucked over by Hawkfrost and that's it.

Well then.

* * *

 **'Ello.**

 **I've put a poll up to see which of two fanfics get published first; Soulless, a Dark Souls inspired fanfic, or METAhuman, a twoleg-turned-cat fic with a twist. There's a summary for both on my profile and send me a PM to know more about them if you're interested.**


	17. Jayfeather

_Jayfeather_

Does he have a stick permanently stuck up the arse? Because he acts like it.

Compared to the rest of the three, Jayfeather is sound and actually has the best power, even if it's still complete wank.

Anyway, blindy is more or less a character everyone in the Warriors community likes, and in my opinion, is overrated as fuck to the point of having fangirls (or banshees, they're the same thing) that will lynch you for not wanting to fuck a fictional character who's a cat.

But like I said, Jayfeather's sound but a massive knobhead at the same time. During his time as an apprentice, he acted like a spoiled little shit and I wanted to wring his scrawny fucking neck. He pulled the discrimination card to become a warrior apprentice, and lo and behold, things fuck up when you're a blind warrior. Then our favourite blind cunt is forced to become a medicine cat apprentice and gets triggered hard enough to go back in time or something fucking stupid like that.

Things like this make me wonder if the Erins really don't give two shits, or if they give a bunch of monkeys a metric fuckton of cocaine and typewriters and see where it goes.

Then Jayfeather meets generic love interest #224 category A-67, Halfmoon Bay drowns, and more shitty slideshow AMVs appear on YouTube and Cuntfeather's still a massive knob and continues to be a massive cock with parental issues to this day.

All in all, I'd say Jayfeather needs to go fuck himself with a sick, but he's probably already done that.


	18. Keep going?

**Hi there.**

 **I'm not sure if I should keep this going or not. It might just be me but I feel that interest for Cynical Rants has dwindled a lot. I don't want to keep doing something nobody care about anymore I just feel like some rambling twat who doesn't know when he's done.**

 **I would like to keep doing this, but like I said, I just feel stupid and unfunny if nobody's caring anymore. Please tell me, do you want me to keep going with this? Or are you all fed up?**

 **If you still want it, I'll keep going on for your sakes. If you think it's dead, tell me. Thank you to everyone who has ever reviewed/followed/favourited. You gave me more confidence in my writing abilities than I could ever hoped for.**

 **Cheers from Cynical-Britton.**


	19. Descriptions Rant and Announcement

**Hey there.**

 **A lot of people want me to keep this going, so it's still going while I took Starkit's Prophecy: The Running Commentary outback with the shotgun. Again, I would like to thank everyone who has ever reviewed/favourited/followed this """"fanfic"""". You're all brilliant people.**

 **I'd also like to say I have a poll up for my next fanfiction on my profile after I'm done with Rekindle and META-human (please give them a look if you haven't already). The options are:**

 **Emission: A Deserter's Tale. Takes place in the aftermath of a nuclear meltdown where a young warriors embarks on a journey to find his missing sister.**

 **Ashes Turn to Cinders. A fantasy AU starring Ashfur as he is helped by a heretical pyromancer.**

 **The Abysswalker. A Dark Souls/Warriors crossover starring Artorias. Takes place during fourth series.**

 **A more detailed summary on each choice is on my profile and if you, for whatever reason, have questions feel free to ask me via PM.**

 **Also have a short rant:**

Does anyone else get bugged by the amount of spelling errors in the Warriors series? I mean, some are funny like Ravepaw and Brambleclaw exploded. But most of the time it's dumb shit. Like _a cat being described as having bloody sage fur_ or several cats getting wrong descriptions numerous times to the point everyone's confused about what they look like.

Some people get triggered as fuck over shit like that. Look mate, calm the fuck down. As long as they're not saying Crowfeather has white fur or that Firestar's a Russian-Blue, I couldn't give a toss about the colour of their eyes because the story changes fuck all.

I think Crowfeather's eyes are blue, and I also think Dovewing's eyes are green. If you think otherwise, keep it to yourself because it's not like Crowfeather's eyes being yellow's going to change anything.

Same goes with Scourge's collar. It doesn't fucking matter what colour it is. Seriously, it could be hot pink with sparkles and nothing changes about the story.

Comics fans understand that shit because I used to be heavy into comics and I could draw Venom with web patterns on the suit and I'd be fine but if I drew Scourge with a blue collar I'm about to get lynched.

TL;DR Stop whining if it's minor, like a different eye colour if the character has been described with different eye colours. Go mental if it's a different pelt colour. Also, fanfiction writers have more consistency than the Erins.


	20. I'm done

**Hello.**

 **This is an AN to say "That's it. I'm done." with the thing that got me halfway between "cunt nobody knows" to "angry cunt some people know". So what I'm trying to say here is Cynical Rants is now done.**

 **It had been on hiatus because I was busy with actual fanfictions rather than a bunch of opinions that might make you smile every once in a while because I said a semi-decent joke.**

 **But I'm stopping this because of mental health. I'm not depressed (I think) but I'm feeling absolutely nothing and isolated on a regular basis. I could be fine one minute then it just changes and stays like that for the rest of the day. Maybe a few more days if it's bad.**

 **I'm not putting this up for sympathy. I feel that you all deserve to know why I'm stopping this, especially those who've been here since the beginning. I'll pick this up again when I'm sorted out.**

 **Cheers.**


	21. Cinderheart and I'm back

_Cinderheart_

There's only two things that come close to being as big of a mistake as Cinderheart; my birth and anime.

Let me start off by saying I fucking love Cinderpelt. As much shit as I give the Erins I'll say they can make some great characters (even if you have to wade through a sea of shit to find them) and they know how to make sequels that don't look like they're milking their series dry.

Cinderpelt's shtick is that she gets fucked over by life. Any hope for her future as a warrior is crushed, like her leg was. And she's not even a whiny bitch about it like Jayfeather is. She gets fucked _hard_ by life and she turns aroun, looks that son of a bitch in the eye and says 'harder daddy'.

Cinderpelt gives zero fucks. She holds her head up high and keeps on going. That's why everyone likes her because shit comes her way and she powers on through. It's something everyone can relate to.

But that little shit Cinderheart's existence makes all of that null. If Cinderpelt was an inspirational quote she'd be "make the best of a bad situation.", Cinderheart would be "sit around long enough and you'll get what you want."

Warriors is, at the end of the day, a book for 13 year olds. Telling them if they sit around long enough everything will get better is a shit message to send.

Cinderheart isn't even a bad character, she's basically a canon what-if Cinderpelt was a warrior. But the fact she exists makes any message you could be sending with Cinderpelt is made void.

Cinderpelt had everything she wanted taken away from her and just powered on through and never whined like a little bitch about it. Having her reincarnated is the same as going 'we know you're happy as a medicine cat, but guess who's going to be reincarnated to be a warrior you little fuck, ain't that some shit?'.

Even then, why the fuck should Cinderpelt get special treatment? Just because it was unfair on her? Then why doesn't Swiftpaw get reincarnated? Or any of the kits who died during Brokenstar's reign? If cats who died too soon/got fucked over are getting reincarnated then where the fuck are they?

Cinderheart is like Gold Experience Requiem; doesn't matter what the fuck Cinderpelt does because it doesn't mean shit.

* * *

 **'Ello**

 **So I'm picking this up again. It's been awhile so sorry if this rant isn't as good/funny/the usual desperate cries for attention as my older rants.**

 **Anyways, I have a poll up on my profile to decide what my next fanfiction is. The choices are;**

 **Gangster's Paradise, a story about a criminal empire which uses BloodClan as its face. It'll be pretty graphic (it's a criminal syndicate, what'd you expect?) but nothing to warrant a M rating.**

 **The Bizarre Adventure, due to mysterious circumstances an old prophecy has resurfaced. StarClan, without any options, choose cats to reenact the old prophecy and uncover the reasons for its sudden reappearance.**

 **The Power of Three rewrite, which is pretty self explanatory.**

 **If you have questions feel free to PM me. Otherwise, this is just here to appease my narcissism and quell my crippling depression.**


	22. StarClan and The Dark Forest

**By the time you're reading this I've taken down the PSA on dealing with flamers because I feel like I was being patronising and acting like I had some moral high ground.**

 **Also, I've got a JoJo's Bizarre Adventure/Warriors crossover going and I'd appreciate it if you guys took a look at it. Don't worry if you haven't read/watched JoJo before - everything from JoJo that appears WILL be explained.**

* * *

Why couldn't they've just stayed mysterious and ominous?

If you don't know what either StarClan or the Dark Forest is then how the fuck did you get so far without knowing?

Anyways, I preferred StarClan when they were presented as mysterious and omnipotent. Then the Erins decided to develop them more which, in my opinion, was a piss poor decision.

Having a few characters appear here and there along with some short scenes it were it should have stayed because it feels more like a fifth/sixth clan at this point. They were mysterious and it's what made them interesting, but now it's like they're just one of the four clans but someone dumped a metric fuck-ton of glitter on them.

And it takes the 'oopmh' out of death for me, especially if it's a main character. Why get sad if they characters are going to reappear again? Take Spottedleaf for example - her death has zero impact because she's so fucking prominent after she bites the dust it's unbelievable. If you're a main character then dying is just moving to another clan honestly.

So what's the fucking point?

The Dark Forest is kinda 'meh' in my opinion. There's not too much known about them compared to StarClan other than its were cunts go. It feels more like a purgatory or wasteland to me than cat hell. I do like it though, it's pretty good potential for a horror fanfic because it's got so little development - we don't really know what's in the Dark Forest outside of dead cats and it's pretty creepy. But I find anything similar to there (real life or not) creepy, like Chernobyl.

Btw if anyone can link me to a fic that takes place in the Dark Forest I'll love you forever.


	23. Warriors Movie

_Warriors Movie_

Not an actual rant, just a discussion because I can't think about anything to rant about.

So anyone whose been in the Warriors community for more than a day know Warriors is getting a film adaptation being produced by David Heyman and Alibaba Pictures. Nobody would stop talking about it for a week when it got announced and because I'm slower than a vegetable I'm only now talking about it.

I'm not actually hyped about it or whatever until I see a trailer, even then I've got my doubts n' shit. Like the whether it's faithful to the source material, the soundtrack, the animation, the voice actors, etc.

It's probably going to get toned down with the blood, I don't think there's any doubt about that. More brutal scenes like Tigerstar getting fucking wrecked by an emo midget would probably be off-screen with a shadow to show the audience what's happening or just rewritten to be less brutal.

But animation and the voice acting is what I'm concerned about most. I'm under the impression that it's animated because I just cannot see it being live action. So what's the style and with it be smooth? Or are we going to get meme material and everything looking like melted plastic?

Dialouge and the VA's are pretty important too. I'd personally like to see Matt LeBlanc/Joey from Friends play a fully-grown Greystripe and, if we go that far, Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw play Jayfeather. I doubt that'll ever happen with their of the two characters because Matt's too busy showering in money and being irrelevant to play Greystripe and Yahtzee's an internet personality and a journalist, not an actor.

Though I think Patrick Seitz - the VA for Scorpion in Mortal Kombact - could play Tigerstar.

Dialogue, depending on how shit it is, might ruin the movie. So I hope it's at least in capable hands.

If the movie turns out bad, then I least I can laugh at it. But what do you guys think about the film? Any concerns? Let me know.


	24. Spottedleaf's Heart (fuck this thing)

_Spottedleaf's Heart_

What happens when you use radioactive waste to write a story instead of ink? Spottedleaf's Heart happens.

(Just a disclaimer: that I've not actually read Spottedleaf's Heart myself, you couldn't pay me to read it unless you're taking me to chemotherapy afterwards. My opinions here are based on what I've heard, already know from canon, and the little bits I've read that I wish I didn't read because I needed to shower in bleach afterwards.)

I know I give the Erins a lot of shit for basically having the nerve to breathe the same air as me, but it's for comedic affect and it's a character I play. But yeah, fuck the Erins for having the nerve to breathe the same air as me.

Spottedleaf's Tumour might as well be a shitty fanfiction that accidentally got published for what it's worth. It is to Warriors canon what Sins Past is for Spider-Man canon - something nobody in their right fucking mind should consider canon.

I'm not just saying that because it makes Thistleclaw a pedophile for the sole reason of having him in The Dark Forest make sense (it was stated that's why he went there on Facebook by Vicky Holmes) and I've got plenty to say about that.

First thing; Spottedleaf's Fanfiction fucks with continuity and will confuse the shit out of people. In Bluestar's Prophecy, Spottedkit wanted to be a medicine cat from the get-go, she was never present for Bluefur dragging her devil-children through a blizzard. She was never there to see Tigerpaw take Scourge's milk money either. But fuck you, now she was there for both and she wanted to be a warrior but became a medicine cat because of reasons. Gee, that's only the seventh fucking time we've seen this song-and-dance-routine.

Both Thistleclaw and Spottedleaf are badly out of character too. Can anyone say "cash grab?". Like I said, Spottedleaf wanted to be a medicine cat since she was a kit and had no interest in romance until Firepaw rolled up then ThunderClan needed scuba gear for the tidal wave that followed.

Thistleclaw? There's no denying he's a violent prick but he cared for his mate and son and was pretty loyal to his clan despite what Bluestar made him out to be. He was one of the few, maybe the only, Warriors antagonist who was in a moral gray area. That's what I liked about him and Bluestar's Prophecy, both the protagonist and antagonist were in a moral gray area.

But noooo, fuck Thistleclaw being a good, fleshed-out character let's make him the most _irredeemable_ piece of shit possible. As I said this was done so Thistleclaw being in The Dark Forest made sense, because him being chased out by Bluestar didn't happen because she's a sweet angel whose incapable of being a piece of shit herself.

It's not even in character is the worst part about it, there was nothing to even suggest he's a kiddie-fiddler beforehand. When I first found out I thought someone was ripping the piss; this is the same Thistleclaw who was so devastated by his mate's passing he was stuck in a state of anger and denial about it? The same one who went numb and became disconnected because it affected him so badly? Bullshit. Fucking bullshit. How do you go from that to molesting _children_ for fuck's sake?

I'd say it's clear as fucking day at the Erins - Vicky at least - don't like Thistleclaw in the slightest, but rather than just leaving him alone and letting him fade into obscurity they decided to make him one the most vile things a person can be on this planet - a fucking pedophile. If you like Thistleclaw then Spottedleaf's Heart is one big 'fuck you' getting rubbed in your face. I actually audibly said "oh fuck off" reading through Vicky's Facebook posts.

Honestly, if they wanted Thistleclaw to be in The Dark Forest they could have easily made it that during a fight with another clan he brutally beat an apprentice from another clan. There you go, it's in character.

It's not so fucking hard, is it Erins?

I'm not the only one who thinks this either; CocaPEBBLES and Moonlightnebula on deviantart and the posts they made (though Moonlightnebula made a Google doc on both Thistleclaw and Bluestar's character but updated it after Spottedleaf's Heart happened) are the reason I'm even doing this now.

On top of that, do the Erins realise the knock-on affect this has concerning Spottedleaf and Firepaw? It was already creepy to begin with, but now it's just dark. Like, '11 year old's first attempt at making a creepypasta' dark. To me at least, it heavily implies that Spottedleaf thinks those kind of relationships are okay.

Whether you yourself consider Spottedleaf's Heart canon or not is up to you, I can't police that. I personally don't because it messes with continuity and established characters are out of character. Oh, and one of my favourite characters is made a pedophile just because.

This thing is the biggest nuclear disaster since Chernobyl.


	25. Re: Lynch-Mode and Squirrelflight

**Hey, so my friend, Blurg The Destroyer, I have a forum now. It's a Warriors roleplaying forum set in Yellowstone National Park, so if you want to join a forum that offers a unique roleplaying experience then this is the place:**

 **forum/Yellowstone/202713/1/114226/**

 **So what are you waiting for? When I make a new rant 100 years from now? Invite your friends, your enemies, travel back in time and invite your ancestors too only to be burned at the stake for being perceived as a witch...**

 **What I'm saying is my friend and I would greatly appreciate if you guys joined us, it won't be a decision you regret.**

* * *

'Ello and welcome to Pessimistic Perspective; a series within a series I made at an attempt to stay relevant and fill the ever-growing void in my heart while trying win the respect of my parents.

In a ⁽ᵇᵘˢᵗ ᵃ⁾ nutshell, Pessimistic Perspective is when I look back on an old rant either because my opinion's changed or I feel the point I was trying to make got lost in the sea of me thinking swearing = funny. Without further ado we're looking at Lynch-Mode.

 _Lynch-Mode_

I legitimately hate this rant looking back on it and the reviews confuse the shit out of me because I don't know if people are agreeing or disagreeing with me - it's like Schrödinger's Cat but with fanfiction reviews.

Is it because that I've changed my opinion? Lol nope. I still think the Warriors community can suffer from a severe case of hivemind-itis and can be real immature at times and that probably boils down to the fact there's either a loud minority or there's a lot of kiddies and this is a school - it's probably a bit a both in some unholy-matrimony. There's characters people either love or hate with no in-between *cough* ᴬˢʰᶠᵘʳ *cough*.

The point I was trying to make the first time around is that I feel that some characters are hated for reasons so artificial it makes a McDonald's cheeseburger jealous or people who condemn a character for doing one thing, but ignore when another character does it:

I've seen people hate Millie because she looks like Silverstream or people hating Thistclaw for telling and egging-on Tigerpaw in attacking Tiny for his lunch money, yet nobody says anything about Bluefur leaving Tiny afterwards.

I get that's some people's opinions, but that doesn't mean I can't criticise. I hate when people used "itz unly muh onion" as a shield (self-hatred disguised as narcissism inbound) it's why I never stuck something like "ITZ MUH ONION NO FLAMZ!" in the summary. I like hearing people's stance on what I'm saying whatever it is.

Though some people treat characters like god or the child of Hitler and Stalin delivered by Satan and Ivan The Terrible. Like, calm the fuck down, go outside and go be a normal human with some semblance of a social life who isn't obsessed with fictional cats before someone takes you out for electroshock therapy and a free lobotomy. Please.

Also, does anyone else like the more unpopular characters? I unironically like Berrynose and Ashfur. I also like Trump and he's my daddy.

...Okay put the pitchforks down I was joking about the Trump part.

 _Squirrelflight_

Cause I'm feeling generous you're getting a two-for-one don't say papa Cynical isn't good to you.

I liked Squirrelflight from the second she was introduced, she has the kind of attitude I would like Firestar to have If Warriors was to get rebooted or rewritten. She actually reminds me a bit of my sister actually and another girl I know.

Though it was pretty fucking annoying when anyone even implied they wanted to help her and she'd respond with "fuck youuuu!" every single time without failure. Yep, I definitely see my sister somewhere in there. All I'm missing now is the moment where I want to kick her teeth in or shove pencils in my ears and we're set.

I'd say that's the reason a lot of people found Squirrelflight as an apprentice so annoying. There's nothing wrong with a stubborn character, but an overly-stubborn character who flips their shit whenever the word 'help' is mentioned is so unbearable I'd rather try to french kiss a wood chipper.

There's the fact she never said anything about her Brambleclaw's devil-spawn not actually being their devil-spawn and instead they're actually Leafpool and Crowfeather's devil-spawn. Unsurprisingly, Brambleclaw felt more inclined to fuck her over rather than fuck..her. Yeah, that's the best I got.

I can't remember the reasoning she never told him, but I'm sure it was like 'there wasn't a right time'.

You smell that?

That's bullshit.

Before she fulced off with Leafpool to go into x-treme labour: hypothermia edition. After they came back. Before their apprentice and warrior ceremonies. Any time they could get alone together. Boom. Done.

Everyone go home now. We're fucking done. Show's over. Fucking Erins and their fucking plots about fucking cats and cats fucking.

I don't get paid enough for this shieeeet.


End file.
